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The Colbert Report/Episode/568
Production Info |- |} |- |} Intro Hope-Style Monologue * Dr. Colbert understands the feeling emanating from the crowd at Al Faw Palace and is so happy for them that they get to meet him ** he had to beg them to sit down, which they did obediently * he introduced himself and announced that he is reporting for duty ** again, they showed their appreciation * off the top he thanked the USO * Stephen likes Iraq ** he's always liked the beach, but hates the ocean, making Iraq perfect * there is a lake out back ** one activity troops like to do is fishing for carp ** almost as fun as going to the port-a-potty and flogging the dolphin * Dr. Colbert has discovered that Saddam Hussein has left his influence all over his former palace ** his image is carved into the walls ** his initials are etched as well * Dr. Colbert suggests that "SH" should stand for something else ** perhaps "sh*t happens?" Colbert Report Baghdad Shout-Out ** Bill Clinton, who thanked the troops for their service overseas and promised his foundation will be working to find a cure for Stephen Colbert Some New Tattoos * Dr. Colbert removed his cap to show off his new haircut ** cranial air conditioning ** got it at a new salon: Raymond's For Men * this morning when Dr. Colbert reviewed the videotape of himself sleeping he discovered an ad for Pepsi's Amp soda on his freshly shorn head ** network has been selling adspace on the back of his skull * Stephen said they didn't have to do it secretly; he loves selling out ** almost as much as he loves Amp, which is just as good upside-down * Amp is all about the thrill and excitement of "what's up next!" ** which he discovered tattooed on another part of his body that was also recently shaved Stephen Strong: Army Of Me * yesterday Dr. Colbert presented part 1 of Stephen Strong: Army Of Me ** tonight he brings the thrilling conclusion * While at Fort Jackson, South Carolina, Dr. Colbert learned how to overcome obstacles, like: ** climbing over a five-wall obstacle with the help of his battle buddies, but without a snack ** enjoying the new wave stylings of the B-52's around people who aren't fans ** crawling under barbed wire (without underwear) ** trying to get people to sing along to Love Shack ** singing while hiking ** climbing the tower ** rappelling down the tower * Some important facts about the tower ** rappelling down it is entirely necessary ** permission is granted to go down the wall, but not go AWOL ** even gays have to do it * Stephen even overcame the most dangerous obstacle of all: ** shushing the Drill Sergeant Colbert Report Baghdad Shout-Out * George H.W. Bush also sent a taped message hoping the troops aren't disappointed if Stephen's legs don't match up to Marlena Deitrich's, Lauren Bacall's or the Rockette's Formidable Opponent: Don't Ask, Don't Tell (Don't Pursue) * Iraqi war vet and Arabic translator Lieutenant Daniel Choi was kicked out * apparently, in America's military, you can be all that you can be, with one exception * the debate: ** Are openly gay soldiers a threat to our military readiness? Or, has the time come to let them serve? * Formidable Opponent * Stephen discusses his new haircut and shares a can of Amp energy drink * Stephen informs his formidable opponent how safe he feels about being in Iraq ** he was able to buy a gun from a local * turns out the gun is actually a muffler ** his Arabic translator was kicked out under DADT(DP) *** one of the 59 kicked out in the last 5 years * Stephen is not happy about it, but it's not his responsibility nor that of the military ** it's Washington's responsibility *** Adding that it is a political decision * hundreds of people were discharged under DADT(DP) including 18-year Air Force veteran Lieutenant Colonel Victor Fehrenbachhttp://www.sldn.org/page/s/fehrenbach ** the awards he received were all presented before he turned gay *** there's no telling how he would fly now that he's gay * Stephen admits that he is confused about how openly gay soldiers could hurt morale ** a person who has never served in the military telling them who should serve is like a person going to the circus telling a bear how to ride a bike * Stephen then reminds Stephen that the military depends on unit cohesiveness and maintaining focus on the mission * Stephen asks how one soldier's gayness could effect unit cohesiveness * Stephen offers a hypothetical scenario to help explain: ** one of them is gay * Stephen asked which ** Stephen said it wouldn't matter *** Stephen said it would matter to his wife * Stephen asked how she is ** Stephen relplied that she is fine; Jody is back home watching Mrs. Colbert while he is in Iraq entertaining the troops * in the end of the hypothetical scenario, Stephen didn't ask anything and Stephen didn't tell Stephen anything either ** cohesion achieved! All because Stephen didn't ask Stephen if he was gay * Stephen loudly denied being gay ** Stephen frantically tried to ignore him * Stephen still doesn't understand how an openly gay soldier would hurt in a military setting * Stephen offered a hypothetical scenario: ** they are a team on a secret mission in enemy territory: North Korea *** the idea of commando stuff, black ops and raspberry berets excites Stephen ** under cover of darkness they sneak through a building filled with sleeping guards ** they complete the mission and just as they are sneaking past the guards ... Stephen turns to him and says "I'm gay." ** Stephen insists that he is not gay *** this gay denial wakes the guards * after they are captured, they are forced to do show tunes for Kim Jong Il Interview * yesterday there was one general, tonight Stephen's guests are two enlisted soldiers ** he can't tell how excited he is, because it's classified * Sergeant Robin Balcom a Squad Leader with the 463rd Military Police Company * Specialist Tareq Salha an Arabic Interpreter with the 111th Military Intelligence Brigade * they brought weapons to the interview * 1% of the U.S. population is serving in military * medals are not won; they are earned * women cannot fight in combat except in military police ** however, there are no longer any front lines which means women play an active role in everything the Army does * 15% of troops are women * Salha is an Arab translator ** Stephen learned the Arabic words for "how are you?" and both "good" and "not so good" for men and women * in 60 years they look forward to coming back as tourists * Balcom will miss the chai ** the tea in Iraq is very good * Salha will miss sandstorms * Stephen has experienced a sandstorm and says it feels like he was being slowly polished Epilogue * Dr. Colbert allowed them to say hello to their special ladies ** they responded with a very loud "Hi Mom!" *** followed by a "Hi Stephen's Mom!" that was just as loud Gallery This is an abbreviated gallery. For the full gallery, click here File:WhatElseCouldSHStandFor.jpg File:BillClinton6-9-2009.jpg File:Raymond'sForMen.jpg File:AtopTheWall.jpg File:LowCrawling.jpg File:StephenDrillSgtHike1.jpg File:SCRappel3.jpg File:ShushingTheSergeant.jpg File:GHWBush6-9-2009.jpg File:BoughtAGun.jpg File:SpcSalhaSgtBalcomDrColbert6-9-2009v1.jpg File:TroopsSayHiStephen'sMom6-9-2009.jpg Official Truthy Videos * Colbert Nation Home Tube External Tubes *Link Title *Link Title Reviews and Comments